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Funny quotes by famous people

  1. Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no
    theories. — John Wilmot
  2. When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t
    smart enough to get out of jury duty. — Norm Crosby
  3. If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get
    smart just in time to ask questions? — Scott Adams
  4. If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that
    history teaches us. — Anon
  5. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning
    to believe it. — Clarence Darrow
  6. Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can
    shorten it. — Cullen Hightower
  7. All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself
    deny it. — H. L. Mencken
  8. It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. ― Marilyn Monroe
    A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
    ― George Bernard Shaw
  9. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ― Mae West
    Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
    ― Hedy Lamarr
  10. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. ― Mark Twain
    Abhi Sharma
  11. Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. ― Golda Meir
    I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two such words
    together. ― Charles Dickens

  12. What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and
    my wife. ― Rodney Dangerfield
  13. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my
    age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” ― Claude Pepper
  14. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on
    a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. ― Albert Einstein
  15. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. ― Milton Berle
  16. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ― Lana Turner
  17. Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
    ― Joey Adams
  18. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninetyseven
    now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. ― Ellen DeGeneres
  19. Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
    ― Robert Benchley
  20. I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick
    their sanitation gloves are. ― Jarod Kintz
  21. You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow
    for them. Einstein got D’s in school. Well guess what, I get F’s!!! ― Bill Watterson

    Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see
    with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. ― Dave Barry

  22. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and
    for the same reason. ― José Maria de Eça de Queiroz
  23. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. ― Oscar Wilde
    When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have
    the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much
    he had learned in seven years. ― Mark Twain
  24. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re
    wrong. ― Unknown
    My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. ― Emo Philips
    I don’t hate you.. I just don’t like that you exist. ― Gena Showalter
    Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. ― Groucho Marx
    I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
    ― Rodney Dangerfield
    A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. ― Spike Milligan
    I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
    ― Rodney Dangerfield
    The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
    ― Lucille Ball
    I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. ― Steven Wright

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