- Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no
theories. — John Wilmot
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t
smart enough to get out of jury duty. — Norm Crosby
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get
smart just in time to ask questions? — Scott Adams
If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that
history teaches us. — Anon
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning
to believe it. — Clarence Darrow
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can
shorten it. — Cullen Hightower
All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself
deny it. — H. L. Mencken
It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. ― Marilyn Monroe
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
― George Bernard Shaw
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ― Mae West
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
― Hedy Lamarr
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. ― Mark Twain
Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. ― Golda Meir
I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two such words
together. ― Charles Dickens
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and
my wife. ― Rodney Dangerfield
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my
age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” ― Claude Pepper
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on
a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. ― Albert Einstein
- A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. ― Milton Berle
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ― Lana Turner
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
― Joey Adams
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninetyseven
now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. ― Ellen DeGeneres
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
― Robert Benchley
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick
their sanitation gloves are. ― Jarod Kintz
You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow
for them. Einstein got D’s in school. Well guess what, I get F’s!!! ― Bill Watterson
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see
with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. ― Dave Barry
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and
for the same reason. ― José Maria de Eça de Queiroz
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. ― Oscar Wilde
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have
the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much
he had learned in seven years. ― Mark Twain
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re
wrong. ― Unknown
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. ― Emo Philips
I don’t hate you.. I just don’t like that you exist. ― Gena Showalter
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. ― Groucho Marx
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
― Rodney Dangerfield
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. ― Spike Milligan
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
― Rodney Dangerfield
The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
― Lucille Ball
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. ― Steven Wright